After a long hiatus

1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

This is the prayer of my heart. To become a man. Not by human standards, but by the standards of God. To throw off the childish foolishness that I used to revel in. Doing this I can replace the basest joys that I sought then, with fuller, greater joy that God intends for grown men to enjoy. (I use the term child as a reference to how I behaved and thought from ages 15-27.)

When I was a child I sought to be the center of attention. I fled from problems and let someone else take care of them for me. I fled confrontation. I sought to drown my sorrows and numb my pain through alcohol. I worried continuously about how I was perceived. I chased fleeting fun. I sought simple quick laughter, a joy that did not fill me but distracted me momentarily. I dreamed big and stopped there. My talk was exponentially larger than my action. I gave up when things got hard. I sought the easiest path. I was not just the center of my whole world; I was my whole world. Others did not catch my attention unless I felt they could serve a purpose for me. I thought I knew it all.

These are now my desires. As often as I fall short of them, this is the man that I strive to be:

Now I wish to withdraw to quieter places. Places where my thoughts can be heard, and more importantly where God’s voice can be heard. I wish to face my problems, for God to guide me through them. I better understand why confrontation is needed, that even though it is painful in the short-term, in the long run it is less painful than avoiding it. I see that when you wake from the long slumber of alcohol, your problems are sitting at your bedside waiting for you. I see that your pain is not gone, it is no longer dulled, but it is intensified. I care more about how God perceives me and I rest in the miracle that He sees me as perfect through Christ, despite my continual failures. I care more about how I perceive others. How I can better understand situations that arise, how people react to them and how God wants me to respond, not how I will look when all is said and done. I chase the joy of Christ, not just temporary relief. I seek joy that lasts. My wife, my sons, my family, my friends. Through them, God brings me a joy when I am pummeled with waves of grief. I seek the joy of God that fills my cup till it overflows. A river of joy that does not run dry. The joy of serving The Almighty God. I still dream big, but now I also think logistically. I believe dreams are meant to inspire us to achieve a bold goal that we have set forth. I now believe that dreams are a hope that should be reached for. Mere dreaming without action is a futile exercise. Empty promises are hurtful. Your ego should never write checks that your body can’t cash. When things get hard I harden my resolve. I spend more time in prayer. A man does not quit until God says so. I have learned that the easiest path yields the least results. The easiest path for me also usually makes the path of others harder, and more painful. I realize that while God cares deeply and specifically for me and has a plan for me, my life is a tiny fraction of a percentile of what has happened, is happening, and will happen in this world. I do believe whole heartedly that God can use an individual to make a great difference, He often does, but life as I know it does not revolve around me. Every time I see a person, their life is just as complicated as mine. My story is a tiny subplot in God’s master plan. I must play my part and put no more and no less importance on it than God desires. I now realize that I know very little. What I write at this moment may be turned upside in ten years from now, two years from now, three months from now, or tomorrow. Praise be to God, my Savior and strength.