It's late. Rough day. Rough week. It seems impossible to escape the rigours of everyday life sometimes. I wrote a little while ago how these times are necessary. How they are important. How we can't avoid them. It's so much easier when you are talking about them in the abstract. There's a term that stems from football called "monday quarterbacking". I don't know if you are familiar with it. Basically it refers to how on monday, the day after a football game, all the commentators look back at the game, talk about the quarterbacks mistakes, and say "well he should have or could have". It happens all the time, even though the term is pretty common and always used in a negative sense. Yes maybe he should have, but it is a lot harder to make that decision or see that option or consider that unforeseen result in the heat of the moment. When things are coming at you so fast, sometimes you have to make the best decision you can with the information you have in a split second. Sometimes everything tells you to do something but the unexpected throws a wrench in your well thought out plans. It's impossible to expect the unexpected... that's why they call it unexpected. I've been being a monday quarterback on my own life a whole lot lately. Some of my decisions have come in the heat of the moment. Some of my long deliberated decisions don't look so great after the unexpected comes crashing in.
Life comes at you pretty fast. Sometimes it hits you so hard you become scared to death that you're going to make the same mistake again so you become so overly cautious that you become a prisoner to fear. This morning I was taking care of Benjamin. He was on the changing table getting a fresh diaper. I took my eyes off of him for literally 3 seconds or less as I put his diaper in the trash can next to the changing table. When I looked back he was in mid air falling face first towards the floor. I'm not exaggerating when I say I saw it all in slow motion. So many thoughts ran through my head in that half of a second. He hit the ground with a thud. We were both frozen for a second. Both of us scared out of our minds. He started crying. I picked him up and felt a way I have never felt before: useless, worthless. What had I done? How could I have left him unprotected for so long. I was just inviting him to get hurt. Why wasn't I fast enough to catch him? Why don't we have the floor in his room made out of safety mats. I second guessed myself for hours. He was fine. No injuries. He was shaken up for maybe ninety seconds. I was shaken up for the better part of a day. I wouldn't take my eyes off him for a second. "I need to grab a tissue, you're comin with me". I second guessed myself halfway to insanity. I grabbed the fear that stemmed from that fall and covered myself with it like a blanket. That episode today is just one example of the many I have from the past few months. Lately I've had days where I've been a poor husband, father, son, co-worker, and friend. I've let people slip my mind, given half hearted efforts, and have kept silent when I should have expressed my thoughts. I've taken the easy way out. I have withheld the love that my incredible wife deserves. I've taken things out on the wrong people.
I wish I had some incredible insight to redeem all of these thoughts. At least a poignant lesson learned. I don't. I guess what I'm searching for is a way to take the lessons from these mistakes and then leave the regret and second guessing behind. To man up and apologize, make amends and avoid repeating a mistake without being held prisoner by the fear of doing it again. For some reason the only thing that calms my heart right now is this: God is good. I have never felt the truth of that statement more than now. I'm not even sure what exactly that means and I think that may be why it rings so true to me right not. It is vague but it is true. It is all encompassing yet precise. God is faithful when I am faithless. He is patient when I fail. He is loving when I ache with brokenness. He is stern when I am wrong. He is right and just in the face of my trespasses. He is gracious in the midst of my sin. How does that relate? I don't know. What does that solve? Nothing right now. That's all to this story. No happy endings. No sweet redemption. Yet somehow a light in the distance. A reason to press on.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Where have all the leaders gone?
While I'm on the subject of quotes...
Politics makes me laugh. Only because if I took it serious I would curse until I cried. I hate when people talk about "the good old days" because normally they weren't that great, we've just picked out the best part of those days to remember and have forgotten all the bad. The world of politics used to be even worse than it is now. In the debates of the old days candidates would even go after the integrity of each others wives. I don't want us to go back to that but there are things that I would love to see again. Passion and vision to name just two. Watching the speeches and debates from our presidential candidates this year makes me nauseous as they squabble over how to fix the symptoms of our societies greater problems and ignore the problems themselves. What happened to speeches like "We have nothing to fear but fear its self" and "ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country"? What happened to leaders making it their mission to put a man on the moon or end the cold war before we had it all planned out. What if President Lincoln had said "well I want to free the slaves but I'm just not sure about the logistics of it."? Anyway, here are some quotes from one of my favorite American leaders, Robert F. Kennedy. Yes he was far from perfect just like every man, but I would love to hear this kind of talk in today's politics:
The problem of power is how to achieve its responsible use rather than its irresponsible and indulgent use — of how to get men of power to live for the public rather than off the public.
"I Remember, I Believe", The Pursuit of Justice (1964)
Gross national product measures everything, in short, except that which makes life worthwhile.
Speech at the University of Kansas at Lawrence (1968-03-18)
(I would encourage EVERYONE to take two minutes and listen to the larger audio clip of this on youtube.com at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e51JnJPPY0E talk about stirring the heart!)
“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation”
A revolution is coming — a revolution which will be peaceful if we are wise enough; compassionate if we care enough; successful if we are fortunate enough — But a revolution which is coming whether we will it or not. We can affect its character; we cannot alter its inevitability.
Speech in the US Senate (9 May 1966)
Victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. What has violence ever accomplished, what has it ever created? Violence breeds violence, retaliation breeds retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our souls. For when you teach a man to hate and to fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color, or his beliefs or the policies that he pursues, when you teach that those who are different from you threaten your freedom or your job or your home or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens, but as enemies. Our lives on this planet are too short, the work to be done is too great. But we can perhaps remember, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life, that they seek as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, surely this bond of common fate, this bond of common roles can begin to teach us something, that we can begin to work a little harder, to become in our hearts brothers and countrymen once again.
"On the Mindless Menace of Violence", speech, City Club of Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio
Few men are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change.
(And maybe my favorite):
First is the danger of futility; the belief there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills -- against misery, against ignorance, or injustice and violence. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation, a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth, and a young woman reclaimed the territory of France. It was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New World, and 32-year-old Thomas Jefferson who proclaimed that all men are created equal. "Give me a place to stand," said Archimedes, "and I will move the world." These men moved the world, and so can we all.
"Day of Affirmation", speech, University of Capetown, South Africa (1966-06-06)
Politics makes me laugh. Only because if I took it serious I would curse until I cried. I hate when people talk about "the good old days" because normally they weren't that great, we've just picked out the best part of those days to remember and have forgotten all the bad. The world of politics used to be even worse than it is now. In the debates of the old days candidates would even go after the integrity of each others wives. I don't want us to go back to that but there are things that I would love to see again. Passion and vision to name just two. Watching the speeches and debates from our presidential candidates this year makes me nauseous as they squabble over how to fix the symptoms of our societies greater problems and ignore the problems themselves. What happened to speeches like "We have nothing to fear but fear its self" and "ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country"? What happened to leaders making it their mission to put a man on the moon or end the cold war before we had it all planned out. What if President Lincoln had said "well I want to free the slaves but I'm just not sure about the logistics of it."? Anyway, here are some quotes from one of my favorite American leaders, Robert F. Kennedy. Yes he was far from perfect just like every man, but I would love to hear this kind of talk in today's politics:
The problem of power is how to achieve its responsible use rather than its irresponsible and indulgent use — of how to get men of power to live for the public rather than off the public.
"I Remember, I Believe", The Pursuit of Justice (1964)
Gross national product measures everything, in short, except that which makes life worthwhile.
Speech at the University of Kansas at Lawrence (1968-03-18)
(I would encourage EVERYONE to take two minutes and listen to the larger audio clip of this on youtube.com at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e51JnJPPY0E talk about stirring the heart!)
“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation”
A revolution is coming — a revolution which will be peaceful if we are wise enough; compassionate if we care enough; successful if we are fortunate enough — But a revolution which is coming whether we will it or not. We can affect its character; we cannot alter its inevitability.
Speech in the US Senate (9 May 1966)
Victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. What has violence ever accomplished, what has it ever created? Violence breeds violence, retaliation breeds retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our souls. For when you teach a man to hate and to fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color, or his beliefs or the policies that he pursues, when you teach that those who are different from you threaten your freedom or your job or your home or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens, but as enemies. Our lives on this planet are too short, the work to be done is too great. But we can perhaps remember, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life, that they seek as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, surely this bond of common fate, this bond of common roles can begin to teach us something, that we can begin to work a little harder, to become in our hearts brothers and countrymen once again.
"On the Mindless Menace of Violence", speech, City Club of Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio
Few men are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change.
(And maybe my favorite):
First is the danger of futility; the belief there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills -- against misery, against ignorance, or injustice and violence. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation, a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth, and a young woman reclaimed the territory of France. It was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New World, and 32-year-old Thomas Jefferson who proclaimed that all men are created equal. "Give me a place to stand," said Archimedes, "and I will move the world." These men moved the world, and so can we all.
"Day of Affirmation", speech, University of Capetown, South Africa (1966-06-06)
Erwin McManus - Uprising
I'm reading Uprising by Erwin McManus. It's awesome. It fits perfectly with what God has been teaching me about passion, my lack of it, the reason for it, and how to use it correctly. Here are some extended quotes:
"This is how life is supposed to work. It's an adventure, a journey, a trek filled with uncertainty, excitement, and risk... ...the longing to be alive is drowned by lesser ambitions. We just want to make it through the day, survive, make ends meet, go through the routine, and then exist rather than live... ...We merely exist and think we are alive. We have traded the authentic for the imitation... ...We pursue wealth, power, success, pleasure and endless experiences just to feel alive."
"We simply accept that this is just the way it is. We surrender ourselves to the mundane."
"So many of us have abdicated our passions for obligations, as if passion is a luxury for the young, and we must all grow up one day... ...we make acting like an adult synonymous with living apathetic lives."
"It has never been God's intention to move us toward apathetic living. He desires that we live passionate lives in Him." (italics added by yours truly)
"One of the odd characteristics of sin is that it is a free act that enslaves you."
"Adam and Eve's birthright was a life of freedom and pleasure. Yet with so much to discover, so much to experience, and so much opportunity, they chose to hang around the one tree bearing the one fruit that was forbidden them." (that one is just hilarious)
Those are just a few tasty tidbits from the beginning of the book. I'm not even halfway through it but so far I would recommend giving it a read.
All quotes from Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul, Erwin McManus
"This is how life is supposed to work. It's an adventure, a journey, a trek filled with uncertainty, excitement, and risk... ...the longing to be alive is drowned by lesser ambitions. We just want to make it through the day, survive, make ends meet, go through the routine, and then exist rather than live... ...We merely exist and think we are alive. We have traded the authentic for the imitation... ...We pursue wealth, power, success, pleasure and endless experiences just to feel alive."
"We simply accept that this is just the way it is. We surrender ourselves to the mundane."
"So many of us have abdicated our passions for obligations, as if passion is a luxury for the young, and we must all grow up one day... ...we make acting like an adult synonymous with living apathetic lives."
"It has never been God's intention to move us toward apathetic living. He desires that we live passionate lives in Him." (italics added by yours truly)
"One of the odd characteristics of sin is that it is a free act that enslaves you."
"Adam and Eve's birthright was a life of freedom and pleasure. Yet with so much to discover, so much to experience, and so much opportunity, they chose to hang around the one tree bearing the one fruit that was forbidden them." (that one is just hilarious)
Those are just a few tasty tidbits from the beginning of the book. I'm not even halfway through it but so far I would recommend giving it a read.
All quotes from Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul, Erwin McManus
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Callahan, California
I left Callahan, California two days ago but Callahan has yet to leave me. Every time I close my eyes I can see the mountains, I can smell the smoke of the forest fires in the distance, I can hear the laughter of the people, and I can taste the double IPA brewed just down the street. I was there for my brother-in-laws' wedding and it was one long week of parties, casual get togethers, and celebration all rolled into one. The wine flowed like... well... wine, and the beer poured like the rushing river below us. The food was plentiful (except on the camping trip) and always delicious. I'm no expert on ancient wedding feasts but from the little knowledge I have of them I imagine they were much like my experience this past week. Whether we were conscious of it or not we were celebrating all that marriage signifies; family, community, new beginnings, adventures, love, hope, faithfulness, God, the world around us, and life as a whole. It is no wonder that God uses marriage so often as a metaphor for His relationship to us. It is symbolic of so many things and should be celebrated continuously. I think it is impossible not to get stuck in a rut every now and then. It seems that life so easily becomes a never ending list of responsibilities. We lend ourselves so easily to putting our head down and plowing through. There are real obligations in life. I came home to a mailbox full of bills with due dates fast approaching. My family needs to be cared for. Our shelter has a mortgage, our stomachs will hunger again. I'm not saying that we can or even should party on the hilltops day in and day out. Though I wish we could. But here is something I found interesting during our amazing (yet arduous) four mile hike to the bachelor camp out. We were hiking through the most beautiful scenery I have seen in a long time. I kept wanting to take it all in, but if I stopped every five minutes to admire God's handy work I would never reach my destination. If I gazed upon the mountain horizon for too long while hiking I would stumble and possibly fall to my death. If I kept a fixed stare on the path making sure each footstep was carefully placed and never taking in the world around me, I would miss the beautiful point of the arduous journey. This wasn't the first time I had thought about this. Years ago Mark Casey and I had discussed this while hiking at Jones Gap. But this time it seemed to sink in a lot more. As my life is growing longer and my responsibilities pile up, this metaphor for life becomes much more evident to me. There are times when we need to put our heads down, dig deep inside, and power through to meet our responsibilities, but it is oh so important not to stay there. Our walk must entail frequent periods of looking up at all that surrounds us. To gaze upon family, friends, and all we are blessed with. There must also be times to stop everything, gather those we love, and celebrate the joys of life. We tend to want everything in black and white but unfortunately we live in a very grey world. We must merge these three periods of life into one continuous flow, hopefully minimizing the unpleasant seasons and maximizing the celebrations. If we refuse one season we will lose respect for the others or not have the power or ability to make it through them. It is a triangle of life which falls apart without all three sides. I yearn to be back in Callahan experiencing the past week over and over again but I will not forsake the responsibilities God has bestowed upon me. If I did I would not be able to bask in the full glory of his blessings that He so graciously and continually pours into my life.
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