After a long hiatus

1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

This is the prayer of my heart. To become a man. Not by human standards, but by the standards of God. To throw off the childish foolishness that I used to revel in. Doing this I can replace the basest joys that I sought then, with fuller, greater joy that God intends for grown men to enjoy. (I use the term child as a reference to how I behaved and thought from ages 15-27.)

When I was a child I sought to be the center of attention. I fled from problems and let someone else take care of them for me. I fled confrontation. I sought to drown my sorrows and numb my pain through alcohol. I worried continuously about how I was perceived. I chased fleeting fun. I sought simple quick laughter, a joy that did not fill me but distracted me momentarily. I dreamed big and stopped there. My talk was exponentially larger than my action. I gave up when things got hard. I sought the easiest path. I was not just the center of my whole world; I was my whole world. Others did not catch my attention unless I felt they could serve a purpose for me. I thought I knew it all.

These are now my desires. As often as I fall short of them, this is the man that I strive to be:

Now I wish to withdraw to quieter places. Places where my thoughts can be heard, and more importantly where God’s voice can be heard. I wish to face my problems, for God to guide me through them. I better understand why confrontation is needed, that even though it is painful in the short-term, in the long run it is less painful than avoiding it. I see that when you wake from the long slumber of alcohol, your problems are sitting at your bedside waiting for you. I see that your pain is not gone, it is no longer dulled, but it is intensified. I care more about how God perceives me and I rest in the miracle that He sees me as perfect through Christ, despite my continual failures. I care more about how I perceive others. How I can better understand situations that arise, how people react to them and how God wants me to respond, not how I will look when all is said and done. I chase the joy of Christ, not just temporary relief. I seek joy that lasts. My wife, my sons, my family, my friends. Through them, God brings me a joy when I am pummeled with waves of grief. I seek the joy of God that fills my cup till it overflows. A river of joy that does not run dry. The joy of serving The Almighty God. I still dream big, but now I also think logistically. I believe dreams are meant to inspire us to achieve a bold goal that we have set forth. I now believe that dreams are a hope that should be reached for. Mere dreaming without action is a futile exercise. Empty promises are hurtful. Your ego should never write checks that your body can’t cash. When things get hard I harden my resolve. I spend more time in prayer. A man does not quit until God says so. I have learned that the easiest path yields the least results. The easiest path for me also usually makes the path of others harder, and more painful. I realize that while God cares deeply and specifically for me and has a plan for me, my life is a tiny fraction of a percentile of what has happened, is happening, and will happen in this world. I do believe whole heartedly that God can use an individual to make a great difference, He often does, but life as I know it does not revolve around me. Every time I see a person, their life is just as complicated as mine. My story is a tiny subplot in God’s master plan. I must play my part and put no more and no less importance on it than God desires. I now realize that I know very little. What I write at this moment may be turned upside in ten years from now, two years from now, three months from now, or tomorrow. Praise be to God, my Savior and strength.

I can't find you

It's been a long time...

Sometimes things just make me smile. Certain songs playing in the background as my son smiles. The look of my wife's face as she plays with one of our boys. Noticing how much my uncles, cousins, and myself resemble my grandfather that just passed away. Visiting an old high school  haunt with an old high school friend. 63 degree weather at 6:30 am in July on my front porch with coffee in hand. A simple new song cutting through the seizure inducing, frantic pace of today's media. "Aint gonna lose you" by Brett Dennen. I'm smiling more lately.

A funny thing happened a few weeks ago. I was in a church service at the church that my family just became a member of (Downtown Pres.) At the end of the service Pastor Brian Habig suggested something for people reaching out for God, a simple prayer: "Lord I can't find you, will you find me, please". 

I have spent my whole life trying so hard to find  God, earn His favor, catch His attention, etc... Trying to earn grace is like trying to count to infinity. The very definition of grace tells you that it can't be earned, yet so many of us fill the church buildings, buy the christian self help books, prescribe to the latest "five steps to Jesus" method because we can't get it through our heads that there is nothing, nothing, nothing, NOTHING we can do to save ourselves, earn God's love,  or merit His favor. Oh what a relief that is. Needless to say, He found me. In a way I could never have found Him. When God reveals himself to you it's like something out of Song of Solomon. It's so personal it almost feels like you shouldn't be talking about it in public. It's like a seduction, it's romance at its best, it is indescribable. When God comes to you it makes you get out of bed hours before you have to, just to spend time with Him, even when you are exhausted, knowing He will give you the strength you need to get through the day. It gives you a different perspective on life. It makes you smile more. It makes life better. It makes you feel the way that people in church always told you that you would feel if you had a personal relationship with Christ. And all I had to do was... nothing. It's grace. The glory of it all, why God deserves all the praise man has to give and more is because it is He who reaches down to us, the wretched, to pick us out of the mire, arrogance, selfishness, and faithlessness to hold us close to Himself. It is, has always been, and will always be, Christ alone that saves. Amen.

My wife

My wife is incredible. I've been sick for a week and somehow she has held this home together. When I get sick I don't get the sniffles, I get the I'm going to be in bed for a week straight with medicine that knocks me out sick. It's happened a couple times over the past few months because I'm a wuss and my body can't take not getting enough sleep and keeping the frenzied pace that life requires lately. Lauren is pregnant, she's been taking care of our son by herself every night after coming home from working all day, she's been doing laundry, rearranging our house in anticipation of our new son, and been taking care of her sick husband. I'm starting to feel better now. It's time for her to have a break. What does she do this morning? In the midst of getting ready to start another long week of work and getting our son up, fed, and ready, she starts dinner in the crockpot so it will be ready for us to have dinner as a family when she gets home around seven o'clock tonight. This is just the surface of what an incredible wife I have. It would take days to write about how she cares for me, how she is the best mother I've ever seen for Benjamin, how she inspires me to try and be a better man, and how beautiful she is. My wife is incredible. The kind of wife that I think God had in mind when he created the family. 

It's raining

It's raining. I love it when it rains. I love it when I can sit in my new "office" and read Jim Thompson and Rich Butlers blogs between doing schoolwork. The Rain makes me think. Not really about anything in particular, but just think. That's the kind of thinking that helps me. Today I thought about many unrelated things. I thought about last night at the Trans-Siberian Orchestra when the man with the amazing voice sang "every man is your brother, and every child is ours". What a thought. I could benefit by thinking that way more often. I believe that we all have common desires, but we seek to fulfill them in different ways. We all want happiness and satisfaction. Of course I believe that these things can only come from God but that's not what I'm talking about here. Even those of us who know God go about satisfying these desires differently. It may be easy to say the man that robs a bank and the man that neglects his family and works 80 hours a week are both seeking happiness through wealth and they are both going about it the wrong way. What about the man desperate to get home to his family who rides the bumper of the man who's going slow because his family is in the car and he wants them to be safe. Which man is justified more in his anger. The first man just wants to be with his family, is it too much to ask that the car in front of him at least goes the speed limit? The man going slow wants to make sure that his family is going to live through the traffic so he can be with them for years to come, can't that idiot behind him understand, and drive just a little slower? Yeah I'm a sucker for stupid examples, but maybe that one will help with my road rage next time. Maybe next time I'm stuck behind a lady with 57 coupons and a checkbook as I'm just trying to buy some orange juice, I'll think of her trying to save some money so she can buy her kids some Christmas presents this year. Maybe I'll think of her kids as my kids too. Children of this society. Yes I want the best for my kids, but does that have to be to the detriment of others kids? Would I make the world a better place for my boys by having the same compassion for other boys as I do for them? Would we be able to avoid partisan politics, religious animosity, road rage, riots, and wars if we realized that we are not competing for our side to win but that both sides are striving for the betterment of everyone? Would it make it easier to figure things out through debate and discussion if we didn't resort to arguing and attacking each other? I don't know. I was just thinking. I was thinking "every man is my brother, and every child is ours".

One

Ephesians 2:11-22

Pastor Brian Haibig has an incredible way of taking scripture that is dead to me and making it come alive. I have prayed often for this to happen for me over the past few years. I've heard the stories so many times, seen so many of the same illustrations it is easy for me to miss the meaning, the gravity, the incredible, almost crushing weight  behind the words that were breathed by none other than the Almighty Himself. On Sunday we were in Ephesians where we have been dwelling for some weeks now. When the scripture was read at the beginning of the service it didn't do anything to grab my attention. I was listening with apathetic ears. Then I began to feel the weight. You have to hear me out on this but...Paul is reminding the gentiles that when God originally made promises to the patriarchs He wasn't making deals that applied to them. The promises of redemption, mercy, hope, etc were made with the Jews. The dire state of the Gentiles (of which I am one) was overwhelming. The desperation, the hopelessness, the state of absolute destitution, the promise of condemnation was so heavy I almost fell from my chair. Stop. Think about it. No promise that God will redeem you, clean your slate, intervene in your judgement. Imagine standing in front of God covered head to toe in wretched sin pleading for mercy, screaming out for a savior that will not come. BUT... though those promises were made to the Jews, God in his unending grace has covered not only the sins of the Jews but also those of the Gentiles.  My wretched sins have been washed clean. Not just mercy but grace has been poured over me. My Saviour has come. Never before have I wanted so badly to stand and yell "hallelujah I am redeemed". 

And what of the Jews who (with a nasty sarcastic 6th grader tone of voice) were calling the Gentiles "the uncircumcised". The Jews were God's elect. They were looking down their nose at the inferior Gentiles. Oh but Paul a word for them too, because in Christ we have all become equal. Jew or Gentile, black or white, Arab or American, Baptist or Presbyterian, Republican or Democrat, richest of the rich or poorest of the poor. The Gentiles were not welcomed into the family as the red headed step child. They were a full fledged unabashed member of the family. There is no second class Christian. Oh what a relief. We can now unite with no prejudice. We are one church. There is only one bride for Christ. 

Thinking about this unity I went home and watched something that was mentioned in the sermon. If you watch it just normally it's pretty entertaining. If you watch it with the unification of the church in mind, with these ideas ringing in your ear... well it's nothing short of amazing. It's a youtube video that's blown up over the past year called "where the hell is matt (2008 version)". Here's the link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlfKdbWwruY

Monday Quarterback

It's late. Rough day. Rough week. It seems impossible to escape the rigours of everyday life sometimes. I wrote a little while ago how these times are necessary. How they are important. How we can't avoid them. It's so much easier when you are talking about them in the abstract. There's a term that stems from football called "monday quarterbacking". I don't know if you are familiar with it. Basically it refers to how on monday, the day after a football game, all the commentators look back at the game, talk about the quarterbacks mistakes, and say "well he should have or could have". It happens all the time, even though the term is pretty common and always used in a negative sense. Yes maybe he should have, but it is a lot harder to make that decision or see that option or consider that unforeseen result in the heat of the moment. When things are coming at you so fast, sometimes you have to make the best decision you can with the information you have in a split second. Sometimes everything tells you to do something but the unexpected throws a wrench in your well thought out plans. It's impossible to expect the unexpected... that's why they call it unexpected. I've been being a monday quarterback on my own life a whole lot lately. Some of my decisions have come in the heat of the moment. Some of my long deliberated decisions don't look so great after the unexpected comes crashing in.

Life comes at you pretty fast. Sometimes it hits you so hard you become scared to death that you're going to make the same mistake again so you become so overly cautious that you become a prisoner to fear. This morning I was taking care of Benjamin. He was on the changing table getting a fresh diaper. I took my eyes off of him for literally 3 seconds or less as I put his diaper in the trash can next to the changing table. When I looked back he was in mid air falling face first towards the floor. I'm not exaggerating when I say I saw it all in slow motion. So many thoughts ran through my head in that half of a second. He hit the ground with a thud. We were both frozen for a second. Both of us scared out of our minds. He started crying. I picked him up and felt a way I have never felt before: useless, worthless. What had I done? How could I have left him unprotected for so long. I was just inviting him to get hurt. Why wasn't I fast enough to catch him? Why don't we have the floor in his room made out of safety mats. I second guessed myself for hours. He was fine. No injuries. He was shaken up for maybe ninety seconds. I was shaken up for the better part of a day. I wouldn't take my eyes off him for a second. "I need to grab a tissue, you're comin with me". I second guessed myself halfway to insanity. I grabbed the fear that stemmed from that fall and covered myself with it like a blanket. That episode today is just one example of the many I have from the past few months. Lately I've had days where I've been a poor husband, father, son, co-worker, and friend. I've let people slip my mind, given half hearted efforts, and have kept silent when I should have expressed my thoughts. I've taken the easy way out. I have withheld the love that my incredible wife deserves. I've taken things out on the wrong people.

I wish I had some incredible insight to redeem all of these thoughts. At least a poignant lesson learned. I don't. I guess what I'm searching for is a way to take the lessons from these mistakes and then leave the regret and second guessing behind. To man up and apologize, make amends and avoid repeating a mistake without being held prisoner by the fear of doing it again. For some reason the only thing that calms my heart right now is this: God is good. I have never felt the truth of that statement more than now. I'm not even sure what exactly that means and I think that may be why it rings so true to me right not. It is vague but it is true. It is all encompassing yet precise. God is faithful when I am faithless. He is patient when I fail. He is loving when I ache with brokenness. He is stern when I am wrong. He is right and just in the face of my trespasses. He is gracious in the midst of my sin. How does that relate? I don't know. What does that solve? Nothing right now. That's all to this story. No happy endings. No sweet redemption. Yet somehow a light in the distance. A reason to press on.

Where have all the leaders gone?

While I'm on the subject of quotes...
Politics makes me laugh. Only because if I took it serious I would curse until I cried. I hate when people talk about "the good old days" because normally they weren't that great, we've just picked out the best part of those days to remember and have forgotten all the bad. The world of politics used to be even worse than it is now. In the debates of the old days candidates would even go after the integrity of each others wives. I don't want us to go back to that but there are things that I would love to see again. Passion and vision to name just two. Watching the speeches and debates from our presidential candidates this year makes me nauseous as they squabble over how to fix the symptoms of our societies greater problems and ignore the problems themselves. What happened to speeches like "We have nothing to fear but fear its self" and "ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country"? What happened to leaders making it their mission to put a man on the moon or end the cold war before we had it all planned out. What if President Lincoln had said "well I want to free the slaves but I'm just not sure about the logistics of it."? Anyway, here are some quotes from one of my favorite American leaders, Robert F. Kennedy. Yes he was far from perfect just like every man, but I would love to hear this kind of talk in today's politics:

The problem of power is how to achieve its responsible use rather than its irresponsible and indulgent use — of how to get men of power to live for the public rather than off the public.
"I Remember, I Believe", The Pursuit of Justice (1964)

Gross national product measures everything, in short, except that which makes life worthwhile.
Speech at the University of Kansas at Lawrence (1968-03-18)
(I would encourage EVERYONE to take two minutes and listen to the larger audio clip of this on youtube.com at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e51JnJPPY0E talk about stirring the heart!)

“Few will have the greatness to bend history itself; but each of us can work to change a small portion of events, and in the total of all those acts will be written the history of this generation”

A revolution is coming — a revolution which will be peaceful if we are wise enough; compassionate if we care enough; successful if we are fortunate enough — But a revolution which is coming whether we will it or not. We can affect its character; we cannot alter its inevitability.
Speech in the US Senate (9 May 1966)

Victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. What has violence ever accomplished, what has it ever created? Violence breeds violence, retaliation breeds retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our souls. For when you teach a man to hate and to fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color, or his beliefs or the policies that he pursues, when you teach that those who are different from you threaten your freedom or your job or your home or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens, but as enemies. Our lives on this planet are too short, the work to be done is too great. But we can perhaps remember, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life, that they seek as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, surely this bond of common fate, this bond of common roles can begin to teach us something, that we can begin to work a little harder, to become in our hearts brothers and countrymen once again.
"On the Mindless Menace of Violence", speech, City Club of Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio

Few men are willing to brave the disapproval of their fellows, the censure of their colleagues, the wrath of their society. Moral courage is a rarer commodity than bravery in battle or great intelligence. Yet it is the one essential, vital quality for those who seek to change a world that yields most painfully to change.

(And maybe my favorite):

First is the danger of futility; the belief there is nothing one man or one woman can do against the enormous array of the world's ills -- against misery, against ignorance, or injustice and violence. Yet many of the world's great movements, of thought and action, have flowed from the work of a single man. A young monk began the Protestant reformation, a young general extended an empire from Macedonia to the borders of the earth, and a young woman reclaimed the territory of France. It was a young Italian explorer who discovered the New World, and 32-year-old Thomas Jefferson who proclaimed that all men are created equal. "Give me a place to stand," said Archimedes, "and I will move the world." These men moved the world, and so can we all.
"Day of Affirmation", speech, University of Capetown, South Africa (1966-06-06)

Erwin McManus - Uprising

I'm reading Uprising by Erwin McManus. It's awesome. It fits perfectly with what God has been teaching me about passion, my lack of it, the reason for it, and how to use it correctly. Here are some extended quotes:

"This is how life is supposed to work. It's an adventure, a journey, a trek filled with uncertainty, excitement, and risk... ...the longing to be alive is drowned by lesser ambitions. We just want to make it through the day, survive, make ends meet, go through the routine, and then exist rather than live... ...We merely exist and think we are alive. We have traded the authentic for the imitation... ...We pursue wealth, power, success, pleasure and endless experiences just to feel alive."

"We simply accept that this is just the way it is. We surrender ourselves to the mundane."

"So many of us have abdicated our passions for obligations, as if passion is a luxury for the young, and we must all grow up one day... ...we make acting like an adult synonymous with living apathetic lives."

"It has never been God's intention to move us toward apathetic living. He desires that we live passionate lives in Him." (italics added by yours truly)

"One of the odd characteristics of sin is that it is a free act that enslaves you."

"Adam and Eve's birthright was a life of freedom and pleasure. Yet with so much to discover, so much to experience, and so much opportunity, they chose to hang around the one tree bearing the one fruit that was forbidden them." (that one is just hilarious)

Those are just a few tasty tidbits from the beginning of the book. I'm not even halfway through it but so far I would recommend giving it a read.




All quotes from Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul, Erwin McManus

Callahan, California

I left Callahan, California two days ago but Callahan has yet to leave me. Every time I close my eyes I can see the mountains, I can smell the smoke of the forest fires in the distance, I can hear the laughter of the people, and I can taste the double IPA brewed just down the street. I was there for my brother-in-laws' wedding and it was one long week of parties, casual get togethers, and celebration all rolled into one. The wine flowed like... well... wine, and the beer poured like the rushing river below us. The food was plentiful (except on the camping trip) and always delicious. I'm no expert on ancient wedding feasts but from the little knowledge I have of them I imagine they were much like my experience this past week. Whether we were conscious of it or not we were celebrating all that marriage signifies; family, community, new beginnings, adventures, love, hope, faithfulness, God, the world around us, and life as a whole. It is no wonder that God uses marriage so often as a metaphor for His relationship to us. It is symbolic of so many things and should be celebrated continuously. I think it is impossible not to get stuck in a rut every now and then. It seems that life so easily becomes a never ending list of responsibilities. We lend ourselves so easily to putting our head down and plowing through. There are real obligations in life. I came home to a mailbox full of bills with due dates fast approaching. My family needs to be cared for. Our shelter has a mortgage, our stomachs will hunger again. I'm not saying that we can or even should party on the hilltops day in and day out. Though I wish we could. But here is something I found interesting during our amazing (yet arduous) four mile hike to the bachelor camp out. We were hiking through the most beautiful scenery I have seen in a long time. I kept wanting to take it all in, but if I stopped every five minutes to admire God's handy work I would never reach my destination. If I gazed upon the mountain horizon for too long while hiking I would stumble and possibly fall to my death. If I kept a fixed stare on the path making sure each footstep was carefully placed and never taking in the world around me, I would miss the beautiful point of the arduous journey. This wasn't the first time I had thought about this. Years ago Mark Casey and I had discussed this while hiking at Jones Gap. But this time it seemed to sink in a lot more. As my life is growing longer and my responsibilities pile up, this metaphor for life becomes much more evident to me. There are times when we need to put our heads down, dig deep inside, and power through to meet our responsibilities, but it is oh so important not to stay there. Our walk must entail frequent periods of looking up at all that surrounds us. To gaze upon family, friends, and all we are blessed with. There must also be times to stop everything, gather those we love, and celebrate the joys of life. We tend to want everything in black and white but unfortunately we live in a very grey world. We must merge these three periods of life into one continuous flow, hopefully minimizing the unpleasant seasons and maximizing the celebrations. If we refuse one season we will lose respect for the others or not have the power or ability to make it through them. It is a triangle of life which falls apart without all three sides. I yearn to be back in Callahan experiencing the past week over and over again but I will not forsake the responsibilities God has bestowed upon me. If I did I would not be able to bask in the full glory of his blessings that He so graciously and continually pours into my life.

Robert Redford and Fleeting Potential

I just watched Robert Redfords "Lions for Lambs". I love Robert Redford... in a totally heterosexual way. I want to meet him for coffee at sunrise at a cafe on the banks of the Vltava river in Prague. There he would impart wisdom unto me and transform me from a wild immature kid with tons of potential to a measured and mature leader in the crusade of all that is right and just. Of course I don't want to meet the real Robert Redford. Who knows what that guy is like? I want to meet the character he plays in movies like "Spygame" and "Lions for Lambs".

I'll admit that the movie was heavily layered with political and ideological agendas, but I don't think these were the main points of the movie. Well maybe they were, but I still chose to ignore them and focus on the subplot carried by Robert Redford and Andrew Garfield. Redford plays an older Poli-Sci professor, who after just one look you can tell possesses heavy doses of wisdom, insight, and discernment. Garfield plays the college kid who is squandering loads of potential partly because of the cynicism he has developed against the system, partly from laziness, and partly because Redford hasn't sent him straight yet. Redford calls Garfield into his office early one morning, the wisdom flows, the potential is prodded, and a brilliant series of scenes ensues. If I knew anything about technology I would magically cut out all scenes void of Redford and just watch the abridged version of the movie over and over. Of course it's probably best to see the movie as a whole first. At least once. Maybe.

I think the movie struck such a chord with me because I'm about to turn 27 years old. Yes I know I'm still very young. But when you reach 27 no one refers to your potential anymore. It seems that by the time you reach 27 potential is either realized or lost. If you're going to do something special, most of the time, you've already got a good head start by this age. I used to have people tell me about my potential all the time. Teachers, college advisers, employers, people at my church. Now? Nuthin... Crickets.

However, I must admit, deep down inside, in places I don't talk about very often, I still harbour a glimmer of hope that those people were right. I still dream that it's not too late. Something in me still yearns for more. Maybe not more but certainly better. I'm not dissatisfied with my life or circumstances by any means. I have an incredible wife, an amazing son, some great friends, I'm not rich in American terms but I live pretty comfortably, and I have the opportunity to make choices about my future. But still, I want to do GREAT things and be someone GREAT. Do you know what I mean? Is it just me? I think this is ok to say out loud. Do not mistake that statement for desiring adulation, because that is not greatness. These days people are adored for taking steroids and hitting a ball really hard with a stick. No, I don't seek the adulation of crowds, but to do and be something great. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. After all, if we do not dream of greatness, if we strive for the mundane, or set our hearts on mediocrity, what kind of life is that? I yearn to right wrongs. I desire to fix that which is broken. I pray that God would use me to further His kingdom. I long to be a better father and husband. I wish to be the friend that is called on when someone is in need. I don't think this is bad. I wonder if there is any of that old potential left in there to live up to these desires.

Barnes & Noble

For my first Fathers day I received lots of cool stuff. Breakfast in bed, a soccer ball, a Sportsmans Bible, and professionally done portraits of my wife and son to name a few. I also received a gift card to Barnes & Noble. I love getting gift cards to Barnes & Noble. The problem is I could get one for $200 and spend it in about ten minutes. My head starts spinning as soon as I pull into the parking lot. I can spend five minutes just looking at the clearance items before I even get inside the actual store. I know, there is always a good reason that they are on clearance but I have to make sure that a little gem didn't slip past the five thousand readers that have already picked through them.

So I went to Barnes & Noble.

I forced myself to fore go the clearance rack for brevity's sake. After ten minutes in the store (no exaggeration) I had twelve books for consideration. I knew that the gift card was only enough for two paperbacks... except if I chose from the large "buy two get one free section". So, I headed to the Cafe to sort through them and see who would make the cut. I scrounged the change to get a tall coffee and sat down at a table. I read the back covers to see if I could eliminate any right off the bat. Nope. I read the endorsements on the first pages to see if they would rule any out or solidify any into a definite spot. "ooh Andrew Peterson likes this one." "Oh but RICH MULLINS endorsed this one." "uh oh Joel Osteen loves this one." Just Kidding... I would never accidentally choose a book that Joel Osteen likes. Anyway, no luck. I was going to have to do this the hard way; read snippets from each book to see which ones grab my attention. So I did. All of them were pretty interesting but I managed to whittle it down to five. It was an easy decision after that. Three of them were from the "buy two get one free" section and everybody knows that three books are better than two (unless they're by Joel Osteen). So, I reluctantly shuffled around the store replacing the books that didn't make the cut. I offered each one a heartfelt apology and a little encouragement. "Sorry bud, it's not that you're not good, but I only have so much room on the gift card. Keep your chin up, maybe it'll work out next time." I'm almost positive I heard Jack London sniffle a bit and I'm pretty sure Brendan Manning rolled his eyes at me. I averted my eyes from countless captivating titles on the way to the check out line. "Stay focused Brad, you've made your choices, these are good books." Waiting in line I realized something about my choices that I had not planned. If you know me well you might know that three of my biggest passions and favorite reading subjects are; God, the environment, and outdoor adventures (my wife and son are obviously two of my greatest passions but there are no books about them). In my hand I held Uprising: A Revolution of the Soul - Erwin McManus, The Green Book:The Everyday Guide to Saving the Planet One Simple Step at a time - Rogers and Kostigen, and (to replace my stolen copy) Into the Wild - John Krakauer. On my way out of the store I smiled because I thought it was a funny coincidence.

Today I realized that it was no coincidence. I have been praying for God to rekindle the passion that has been dying in my heart. Not specific passions but passion in general. The kind of passion that I talked about not long ago in my post "Come let us meet together". Passion for life, enjoyment of life, to step from the mundane into the glory of God and all He has created. I see it as no coincidence that I bought those three books. This rings especially true as I dive into Uprising, which starts with a section about passion, the death of it, the death it causes, the reasons for it, and how to recapture it.
You would think by now that I would know that there are no coincidences. I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer though. I wonder how many more times God is going to have to pound that into head my head? (That there are no coincidences, not that I'm dumb.)

-Brad

Sometimes the truth hurts less

Sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth hurts less than being nice. I'm not trying to be funny, I'm not being sarcastic, and I've left out all specifics so as to not hurt any feelings. I think this is an important subject for the church today.


The Pastor of a church that I visited recently was out of town so they had a guest speaker. This speaker was open about his desire to be a full-time minister and his disappointment that it hadn't happened yet. The sad thing was that it was very obvious why he hadn't gotten any calls yet. He was a horrible speaker. It was painful at times. Sitting there trying to encourage him telepathically... "wait finish that thought", "ouch bad illustration move on, move on" "are you still on the same topic? tie this together please", and "not so much with the jokes, humor is not your spiritual gift". Public speaking was definitely not his gift. He has spent years of his life having people do the "nice" thing: encourage a dream that is doomed to fail. Throughout seminary, evaluations by his denomination and chosen ministry group, and countless "tryouts" for different ministry positions no one has been kind enough to say "you have many gifts but this is not one of them" This can be done very gently, tactfully, and in an encouraging way. He can be lifted up by the acknowledgment of the gifts he does posses (maybe he's better at one on one counseling or ministry organization), be given guidance on how to start focusing on those gifts, and encouraged to continue passionately pursuing God's work in these new areas. It would have saved so much pain, frustration, and questioning God on his part. I know, I've been in his position before. Not to his extreme. I hadn't laid down an entire decade of time and effort before I realized that people were just being "nice". But it still hurt more and it hurt longer in the end. The embarrassment of realizing I had been a public train wreck on numerous occasions coupled with the thought that I might have been hindering people's ability to connect with the Lord was a blow that stung for years to come. Yes I realize that we aren't the ones that do God's work but He does His work through us and many times in spite of us. I am aware that just a few examples from the Bible are God using a drunk, an adulterer, a murderer, a man with a speech impediment, and my personal favorite... an ass (donkey for those not raised on the KJV). But God has also given each of us specific talents, gifts, and abilities (sorry if that's redundant in your eyes) to do His work. Why is it a bad thing to point out those gifts and encourage people to focus more on those instead of the gifts they wish they had? So tell Mrs. Crabblebottom "We really appreciate your willingness to serve but we feel your gift of an outgoing and cheerful personality is stronger than your alto and we would love if you would be one of our greeters instead of singing in the choir" or tell Mr. Featherton "Thank you for your enthusiasm, we feel your ability to entertain kids would be a huge help in our childrens ministry and we can't really afford to have you break anymore of our brand new sound equipment while working on our tech team." Ok maybe phrase that one a little different but you get what I'm saying.

--Brad

Posers Anonymous

Hi I'm Brad and I don't like bluegrass music. It's not that I dislike it, I listen to it occasionally. I've even been to a few sessions of Pickin on the Green in Asheville and had a stellar time. But I'll be honest. I hate that WNCW jams its airwaves with bluegrass on the weekends. Aside from people who fall into the Folk category but are sometimes mislabeled as bluegrass (nickel creek, alison krauss, and the likes) I own not a hairy bit of bluegrass music. So why pretend? I don't know. Maybe because I'm a lower middle class resident of Greenville, SC who leans a bit to the preppy side sometimes, I enjoy frequenting towns like Asheville and Brevard, and relish time in the mountains. It's like a badge I'm supposed to wear. But I don't really enjoy it all that much and I no longer will pretend. I'm coming out of the closet. I'm here, bluegrass steer clear, and I'm proud of it.

While we're on the subject of things that take me off the hipster list...

I'm getting tired of "indie" films. Yes they were all the rage for me years ago around the time of "The United States of Leeland" and "Garden State" but it's time to let the fanfare subside. I'm not sure how most of these movies can claim to be "indie" anyway, with big name stars, huge budgets, and massive hoopla leading up to a national release. So they may not be released by a "major" production company, big deal. I think "indie" films should stray from the beaten path. Quirky films with dark comedic undertones pointing to a nihilistic worldview have become the norm. It's tired. Lay it to rest unless you have something above average to offer. For now I'm going back to movies like Rocky Balboa, the new Die Hard, and the new Indiana Jones. No they weren't awesome but at least they had taken a long enough break for me to become nostalgic about them.

I guess I'm not that cool... or maybe I'm so cool that I'm just ahead of my time. No probably not.

--Brad

Come let us meet together

Come, Let us meet together and speak passionately of things that stir our hearts.

For I am a man of many false conclusions and I seek the wise counsel of Good friends on my quest to correct these fallacies.

Not that we may glory in our triumph of greater wisdom, nay we shall never reach the pinnacle for which we strive

But it is the journey that makes a man.

For a man may stumble, lose his way, or grow weary but it is he who continues that truly lives.

Too many of my generation have laid down in the face of hardship. Too many have fallen without the will to get up again. Too many have given themselves to a life of mediocrity, which is no life at all.

Not that we must climb the Everests, win the championships, brave the arctic winters, or break the banks of this life to stave off mediocrity. No. To be a true friend, to love our wives, to have compassion on those less fortunate than us, to raise our children well, to help those in need, and stand firmly and with a strong voice against injustice these are things that make men great.

Man cannot do these things without passion.

So come, let us meet together and speak passionately of things that stir our hearts. For I do not fear the likes of death and the loss of fortunes, but I pray against the loss of hope, heart, and passion.

--Brad

OUT THERE

I went camping. Kind of rustic camping. No ten mile hike, rock climbing gear, ice axes, or snow caves involved but no thermarest, tent, fancy campfire coffeemaker, or folding dinner table either. Ok I'll admit I didn't take my thermarest because I forgot it and I didn't take a fancy campfire coffeemaker because I'm poor, but I did purposely leave the tent and a few other niceties behind. But we'll get to that a little later.

I had a pretty tough week, and by tough I mean it made me want to curl up in the fetal position and fade away. We got a new puppy which we named Sierra (after Sierra Nevada of course) that likes to get up at 4am. My son Benjamin was sick. Then my wife Lauren got sick too. Of course I got sick next after taking care of them. Work was a shit storm I was wading through on my own while my boss was out of town. Oh yeah, I was also trying to make a major life altering decision in the midst of the mayhem. Then Lauren took Benjamin and Sierra to Florida because her Grandmother had yet to meet her Great Grandson.

In all honesty I'm not the kind of guy that rejoices when his family goes out of town and I get the house to myself. Yeah it's fun for a day... maybe just a night. I watch an old documentary or two, sip a few quality brews, smoke a cigar and play the guitar really loud. Then I'm done and I want my family back. But this time it was a little easier. I was still sick when they left and I got to come home from work and pretty much go straight to sleep, which was exactly what the doctor ordered (the doctor being me). I'm happy to say that I made a full recovery with a day to spare before I had to return to work. That's when it hit me. CAMPING!!!!! The great outdoors! OUT THERE. What seems to have just become the space I have to pass through to get from building to car to building. I remembered all of a sudden that I love it OUT THERE.

I was so excited I packed in fifteen minutes. That's really quick when you consider I had to dig through closets and venture all the way into the attic to dust off my once often used gear that now sat under mountains of dust, cobwebs, Lauren's shoes, and a little insulation. Then I made the perfect mountain playlist for the drive. (samplings from said playlist: Patty Griffin, David Wilcox, Josh Ritter, Jack Johnson, Brett Dennen, Billy Pilgrim, Andrew Peterson and a host of others). Then I was off. I stopped to find a new hat to replace my recently retired Oobe hat.

It was a tough thing to do. That hat served me well for over seven years of my life. We braved rain, snow, dirt, sun, and everything else together in numerous states, and five different countries. We spent tons of time together OUT THERE. Time will only tell if this new hat has what it takes to fill old faithfuls shoes. But I digress. I drove into the mountains turning the music louder the further I got from civilization. Windows down, sunroof open, cheap cigar ash flying and i was feeling alive again. I just drove for hours. I wanted to see every mountain and stream I could think of within driving distance. I did. I drove too long. Dusk was fast approaching. I knew exactly where I was going to camp and I knew I wouldn't reach it until after dark. This didn't stop me, nay a lesser man may have turned back to his comfortable bed in the face of making camp in the dark, but not me. I high-tailed it to camp and missed the last lingering light of the sun by a mere twenty minutes. I got out my flashlights and stumbled off into the woods. Normally this would be a horrible idea but I know every step of the trail by heart and it's right next to a stream that flows under the bridge that I parked next to so there wasn't much chance of getting lost. If you lose your bearings all you have to do is walk down the stream until you hit the bridge, take a left, and your back where you started.

First things first, I collected wood and fashioned a crude fire ring. Fire is a vital part of a good camping trip in my book. The boy scouts would have been proud. It was going in mere minutes. Then came dinner. Delicious Ramen Noodles. The breakfast of champions. Then came... nothing. Yes nothing. That's the beauty of it. Firelight throwing shadows like slow motion dancers, the rush of the river behind me, the fireflies that seem to be talking in a mysterious language of flashing lights all around me in the woods, and nothing to worry me. I don't get stressed out very easy. If you ask my wife she will undoubtedly say that I don't worry enough. But OUT THERE, out where people used to live, out in the great outdoors, what worries I have melt away. I sat for some time by that fire. I couldn't tell you what I thought about most of the time. I don't believe I was thinking about anything most of the time, but it was refreshing. I feel close to God OUT THERE. It's like things are quiet enough that you finally notice He is sitting right next to you the whole time. When the sun came up the next morning I walked up the river to my favorite spot. There are two large rocks jutting out into the river, one from each bank, and they barely miss each other in the center and overlap each others span just a little bit. In this spot right where the water picks up speed in the narrows and snakes through the rocks is the perfect seat. Carved into the rocks is a natural recliner where I sat for hours in the sun. I skimmed through the current issue of Outside Magazine (always a good read), read The Good Book, and did alot more of nothing. After a little exploration I got back in the car to head home with a smile on my face.

The city can really get me down. The traffic, the gas prices, the politicians, the sensationalized (I don't think that's a word) news, the bills, the daily grind, the noise, the pollution, the waste, the constant displays of mans depravity, my sinful reactions to it all, I could go on for paragraphs. It all seems so broken. Honestly I'm not a strong enough man to deal with it most of the time. But sometimes, just every once in a while, when I leave it all behind, if I can get OUT THERE even just for a day, It makes me want to try again. It reminds me that one person can change things. Sure only one person usually makes small changes. But the thing about big changes, sweeping changes, things that change the world, is that they are almost always made up of many small changes.